The Real Thing
by 4give4get
Summary: Crack fic. DO NOT READ IF YOU DON'T APRECIATE HUMOR! I mean no offense to anyone! This is what I think should happen in the series. Oneshot. JacobxOC. Pokes fun at Breaking Dawn, which was the most horrific book of them all.
1. Chapter 1

**Title-**** The Real Thing**

**Author-**** 4give4get**

**Rating-**** T**

**Status-**** Oneshot**

**Disclaimer- I don't own Twilight and I don't want to.**

**Serena- This time it's not an anime story. This had been bugging to come out for… a while. Plz R&R!!!**

_The Real Thing…_

Bella and Edward were walking through some guy's garden. She looked at him. He was wearing a light blue sweater, white scarf, and black pants. She wrinkled her nose. He was carrying a Starbucks coffee.

"Edward," Bella began, "You're dressed like you're gay. What straight man wears that?"

"Oh?" he inquired, "And what straight woman wears that?" he pointed at her in her long khaki skirt halfway down her lower leg, Birkenstocks with pink knee-socks, and navy blouse.

"My clothes are hot, shut up, Edward." She snapped back.

"At least my clothes match. You are wearing pink with khaki and blue." He pointed out.

"You look like a gay man walking with me and I want people to know we're a couple!" she pouted.

…

Underground Cave lair-thingy…

"Our plan will be carried tomorrow at ten." Some super-buff black dude, that is roughly six eight, obviously on steroids, said.

"Excellent, Michael." (pronounced MEE-shall like that dude in _Dodgeball._) Gollum cackled.

"No!" he said turning into Smeagal, "We must help the girl!"

"Nooooo! She must die!" he said, turning back into Gullum.

In the cave was really just an auditorium. With about 999,999,999,999,999,999,999 people. It was the largest club in the world, it's name was Bella Haters of the Universe. All of the people in it are characters from every book you've ever read. Even the one you are reading right now. To name a few main ones, there was Dumbledore, Harry Potter, Voldemort (Meaning his Death Eaters, too), pretty much everyone in Lord of the Rings, and our leader… Michael.

Everyone began to evil laugh.

"Okay, who wants Krispy Kremes!" Voldemort shouted, as a whole truck pulled up.

"I DO!" everyone shouted, raising their hands.

…

Bella was pacing up and down the cliff in LaPush that she had jumped off of, months earlier. _My life is so horrible and hard._ She thought to herself.

"THERE SHE IS!" Michael, Voldemort, Harry Potter, Dumbledore, Frodo, Pipin, all of the other Hobbits, Gandolf, and several Pokemon shouted, charging at her atop speeding white stallions.

_Ha! Suckers!_ She thought, and pulled out her shiny AK47. She aimed it at the charging crowd of Bella Haters of the Universe and opened fire. Unfortunately for Bella, she had the suckiest aim in the world. Every time she shot she totally missed.

"Damn it!" she screamed after she missed for about five straight minutes. The crowd was still charging at her in slow motion.

"That terrorist ripped me off!" Bella yelled, throwing the gun down. The crowd finally arrived at the edge of the cliff… and shoved her off.

"EIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEE!" she screamed as she fell.

"HURRAH!" Voldemort screamed, "TODAY IS THE START OF A NEW ERA!"

"HATE BELLA SWANN FOREVER! HATE BELLA SWANN FOREVER! HATE BELLA SWANN FOREVER!" the rest of the club chanted for a while until they just got bored and left.

…

Dumbledore slowly walked up the front path to the Cullen's house. He rang the doorbell. When Edward and the rest answered it, he took a deep breath.

"I'm please—I mean sorry to say that Bella had been killed by, uh, a herding stampede of buffalo." He said, faking sadness

They all looked at Edward to see his reaction.

"Uh.. Oh! What a tragedy!" he exclaimed with even worse fake sadness, "On a happier note, my new girlfriend shall be…" he looked around randomly. Rosalie and Emmett ducked out of his view. "YOU!" he shouted to Dumbledore and started making out with him.

"Uh… let's go inside, guys." Carlisle said, turning around.

"You're gay?" Alice asked.

"Uh-huh, I've been meaning to come out of the closet for some time now. And dating Bella made me realize it!" Edward declared, grinning.

"Uh, that's great."

"Now that we're rid of Bella, we only have to get rid of him." Alice whispered to Jasper.

He nodded.

"RELEASE THE HOUNDS!!!" Jasper screamed, and fifty rabid dogs attacked Edward and gave him rabies, which is the only thing that can kill vampires, so Edward died, too.

"Thank god."

"Let's all go to McDonalds."

…

Jacob was randomly walking around town, when he saw some girl standing on the cliff that Bella had jumped off. She was about Bella's height, and had dark hair. She looked prettier though, and had a _way _better fashion sense. He shrugged and ran up to her, glad to see her.

When he got close enough, however, he saw that in fact it was _not _Bella. It was the back of some girl, his age, looking over the cliff. She heard him walking up and turned around.

It was like looking straight into the face of an angel. Her eyes were sea-green, her skin was a golden tan, and her hair was straight dark brown. She pressed her lips together. But smiled lightly at him nonetheless.

"Hey—I…" Jacob stuttered. It was like love at first sight. _Wait, _he thought, _is this what it's like to imprint?_ He felt like he had known her his whole life. This girl, he didn't know her name, he didn't know the first thing about her, but he loved her more than anything in the world.

"Do you live around here?" she asked, "I'm Ivy and I just moved to Forks from D.C."

"Jacob. Are you going to the local school?"

"Yeah, although I think I'm gonna spend most of my time out here in La Push, it's pretty out here and the people are nice."

"If you want to hang out sometime you know where to find me."

"Ok thanks I guess I'll see you around." She smiled.

And they walked hand-in-hand off into the sunset.

THE END

_**EPILOGUE:**_

Jacob and Ivy lived happily ever after.

The Bella Haters of the Universe still exists, if you wish to join, just ask in the review!

They still hold a joyful ceremony of her death-date: September 17th.

No, the story was not meant supposed to be well-written, only informative. It is to show you what goes in your favorite novel. And yes, to Harry Potter fans out there, Dumbledore IS gay. Edward, we're pretty sure, but not positive.

The Cullens went to McDonalds and got their drinks spiked. They all passed out and by the time they woke up, they were on a ship to Shanghai. They had to sail all the way there, and then all the way back. Why didn't they use airplanes, no one knows.

_The End_

**Serena- It is extremely random, and I could not have done it without the help of my sis, Holly. She's a year older, but were still like BFF. She don't like anime, though. Grr, curse her!**

**The Bella Haters of the Universe **_**IS**_** a real club! Sign up in your review!!! (We have yet to kill her, though.) I'm actually going to create a website for it, so you can then talk to other members in chat rooms. I'll say when I get it up.**

**THANKS FOR READING! I LOVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU AND PLEASE REVIEW!!!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Title-**** The Real Thing**

**Author-**** 4give4get**

**Rating-**** T**

**Status-**** No long a oneshot**

**Disclaimer- I don't own Twilight.**

**Serena- Please read!**

Somewhere in a graveyard:

"I LIVE!" Edward screamed, busting out of the ground where he was buried.

How is that possible? Easy—the author needs him alive. So there.

"Hmmm," he said, assuming the thinking-pose, "I think I'll get some revenge on that werewolf kid!"

Peanut Gallery: "Uhhhh, why?"

"DUH! Another ploy by the author, wow she's cheap!"

And I take pride in it, too.

Forks High School:

Ivy suddenly screamed, "AHHH! It's HOT! I'm burning up!"

Kids: "WTF?

"Well," the teacher said, "It looks like Ivy is going through menopause."

"EW! NASTY! That means she's like fifty, right?"

Ivy: "Damn, I'm found out…"

Jacob: "I imprinted on a fifty-year-old?"

(un-imprints.)

Peanut Gallery: "Uhhhhh, is that possible?"

(Another ploy by the author.)

Teacher: "Young man, you don't attend this school!"

Jacob shoots the teacher.

"It's okay, Ivy, we'll put you in a nursing home!"

"Oh, thanks."

Back with Edward:

Knocks on Jacob's door.

"Yoohoo! Jacob! Do you mind if I come in so I can kill you?"

"Not at all, who is this?" Jacob opens the door.

"Omigosh! I love you, Edward Cullen!" Jacbo screams hugging him.

"Why?"

"I think I just imprinted!"

Peanut Gallery: "Yeah, you thought you imprinted… how many times before?"

Edward: "I'm going to kill you know."

"Why?"

"I don't know…. Prepare to die!"

Bella's ghost comes walking along.

"Oh! They must be fighting over me!" Runs and dramatically throws herself in between Jacob and Edward.

"No need to fight over me!"

"Ew! I don't swing that way!" Edward told her.

"I love you, Edward!" Jacob shouted.

"Uhhh… then who loves me?" Bella asked.

Billy Black wheels himself out into the scene, "Bella… I can love you if you want…."

Scoots away, "Nooo, that's okay. I'm good."

"Damn… I thought it would work."

Jacob: "Uh, dad, that's nasty."

Billy grins.

Everyone shudders.

Cullen's appear.

"Hey guys! We're back from China… whoa!"

"Do one of you love me?" Bella asks.

"No."

"Damn."

Jasper evolves into a Silverback ape.

"Me want bananas!"

"Fine!" Bella pouted, "If no one wants me, I'll just go and haunt that cliff over there where I died."

Everyone: "You do that, Bella."

Bella leaves.

"Bananas?"

_End Chapter_

**Serena- Please review!**


	3. Chapter 3

Title- The Real Thing

**Title-**** The Real Thing**

**Author-**** 4give4get**

**Rated-**** T**

**Status-**** No longer a one-shot, sorry…**

**Disclaimer- I most definitely do NOT own ****Twilight****. (Shudders at the thought)**

**Serena- R&R.**

Forks/La Push:

Seeing as Edward had recently gotten over his last inclination to kill Jacob, he realizes that he actually may have a shot at TRUE HAPPINESS because such a person imprinted on him. Edward therefore decides that he loves Jacob as well.

Edward: OMC, I love you Jacob!

Jacob: Sweet, you know what these means, right?

Edward: Of course!

Together: CONDO ON THE BEACH!

They get on a plane to the Bahamas and our whole cast is standing on the runway, watching the plane as it takes off.

Runway:

Bella: OMC, screw them both! They're SUPPOSED to be fighting over me, not going on some mega-hot dream vacation to the tropics together! THAT'S NOT HOW THIS STORY GOES! This writer's a total bitch!

Yes, Bella, but I'm afraid that Edward and Jacob in a one-bedroom condo together is what most fangirls would prefer to see, rather than just pointless arguments between them, usually centering you. THIS IS FANFICTION! STEPHANIE MEYER HAS _NO _POWER HERE!

Alice: (to Jasper) Aw man, how come YOU never take me to the Bahamas?

Jasper- Me want bananas!

Alice-:FINE! If you'd rather have some stupid bananas than a mega-hot vacation to the Bahamas like what Jacob and Edward are having then I'm dumping you!

Bella: But Alice can't dump Jasper! That would never happen!

Right, Bella. Do you think anyone here cares?

Billy Black: I'll go to the Bahamas with you, Alice…

Everyone shudders and inches away.

"How'd he even get his wheelchair all the way here by himself?"

Back at the Cullen's pimpin' house (minus Jasper who ran away to the zoo to be with the other gorillas):

Bella: I miss Edward. I miss Jacob. Hell, I even miss Mike Newton. I miss having some guy being pointlessly in love with me, like I always would back when Stephanie Meyer was the writer!

Alice bursts in the door, "Hey guys guess what?"

She doesn't wait for anyone to say what, but plows right on, "I met this guy on the city bus who had white hair, dog ears, and a weird red outfit and he said his name was Inu Yasha, or something like that, and that I had to help him gather something called the Shikon shards!"

Bella: Since Jacob and Edward abandoned me, maybe I should just give Mike a call…

Alice: (continuing, ignoring Bella) And guess who my new boyfriend is? This guy, who says I shouldn't tell you this, but he's really named Kira, and has this black book called a Deathnote!"

Carlisle: OMC, I was the last Kira! It was awesome!

Esme: Um, hello? Writer-person? Carlisle can't say OMC that makes no sense.

Bella: Hey, you guys, I've decided something.

Everyone: (sighs in annoyance) What _now,_ Bella?

Bella: I think I'm going to have a baby. And the baby is going to be some evil, half-vampire, spawn of Satan, and I'm going to get really beat-up in the process, but it's all going to end just fine. But until then, I need you all to be hopelessly worried for me and try to make me see reason and abort, but I'll keep refusing because of maternal feelings.

The Cullens all moaned like kids as soon as a huge paper was assigned.

Rosalie: Sounds, fun, can I be the one who backs you up and everyone hates me for it, because I'm surely killing you?

Bella: I was hoping you'd ask!

Alice: Do we have to?

Bella: Yes! Now, Carlisle—say something doctor-ish, and that you don't know whether or not I'll live.

Carlisle: I'd rather not, Bella. Do you remember how much medical supplies we wasted last time you had an idea like this?

Bella: You guys aren't team players! You know what? I'll just go and hang our with Mike Newton!

Alice: What? Mike Newton! OMC, that's the guy I was telling you about! He's the Kira I was telling you all about!

Carlisle: Mike Newton is Kira?

Alice: Yup, you wouldn't have guessed, huh?

Bella: You mean I can't even have Mike now because Alice stole him?

Yeah… pretty much…

Bella: Fine, then I've decided that I'm a vampire now, and guess what my kick-ass special power is?

The Cullens rolled their eyes and asked her what.

"I've got SELF-CONTROL! Isn't that pretty cool?"

Alice: Are you serious? That's the lamest thing I've ever heard of!

Bella: Yeah, well for some reason I won't be all bloodthirsty so I'll still be all exactly how I was before, and won't kill everyone in Forks.

Alice: That's the cheapest thing I've ever heard of!

Bella: Yeah, well it's convenient. And that's not all, wanna know what else? Okay, I'll tell you anyway: I also have a mental shield that I can spread to other people, but it's really hard, so I'm basically the same useless Bella I've always been.

Jasper jumps through the window, shattering it and landing in the middle of the room.

Jasper: (to Alice) I've escaped from the zoo! I found out that I'm really allergic to bananas anyway! Wanna go to the Bahamas?

Alice: Hell yeah, forget that Mike Newton-Kira kid!

All of the remaining Cullens and Bella watch as their plane takes off on the runway.

Runway:

Bella: OMC, this so sucks, okay? Where are Mike and I going to get the money to go to the Bahamas too?

Esme: Did you ask him out yet, Bella?

Bella: No, I still can't believe that I'm being lowered to such a thing! Mike Newton? (Swoons at the thought.)

Mike: Bella, you're a bitch. You think you're so much better than me, but I don't even like you anymore since I've stopped dropping LSD. The acid made you look like an old bearded man (which is what turns me on, okay?) but now that I've been through rehab, I see that your just some girl, so forget I ever liked you.

Dumbledore- Did you say you liked bearded old men?

Mike: OMC, that's the Bella that I saw before the rehab!

Dumbledore- Wanna go to the Bahamas?

The remaining Cullens and Bella watch as their plane takes off also.

Bella: Well, that was the third and last guy I had pointlessly in love with me, damn!

Esme: Bad luck, Bella.

Carlisle: I'm bored as hell, wanna go to the Bahamas and get a condo on the beach and have a mega-hot vacation too, Esme?

Esme: Sounds good, but only if you promise not to bring any medical supplies because you always get stopped in security with them.

Rosalie, Emmett and Bella watch their plane take off.

Emmett: Hey, Rosalie, I have a whole bunch of Frequent Flyer Miles, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Together: Mega-hot vacation in a beach condo in the Bahamas!

Rosalie: Sucks for you Bella, left without someone to have a mega-hot vacation with. But I was rooting for you to have the evil, half-vampire, spawn of Satan baby. You could have named it something horrible, like Renesmee.

Bella watched their plane take off.

"Renesmee? That's not a bad name…"

We all know only someone like Bella would torture a child with the name, _Renesmee_. What possessed Stephanie Meyer to use something like THAT, I will wonder for the rest of my life. And I am now done tearing apart Breaking Dawn. For now…

_The End_

**Serena- You really ought to review. It's only nice…**


	4. Chapter 4

>**Title-**** The Real Thing**

**Author-**** 4give4get**

**Rated-**** T**

**Disclaimer- Don't own… rather obvious, but okay.**

**Serena- OMC, the last review I got for this story was harsh like an iced caramel macchiato except with no whipped cream. Aw, but that's okay, you don't all have to like me. But if there are those of you who DO like me, would you like me if I wasn't the bitchy, kind-of-a-whore, Twilight-hater than I am?**

**And dude, that last girl said I was a bitch like it's a bad thing.**

**I say embrace the bitchiness.**

**And do I cuss too much for a fourteen year old?**

**Since when was cussing bad? It's just words.**

**Whatever, here's another chapter.**

_Chapter Four…_

Jacob and Edward jump off the plane and run down the runway with everyone else to meet Bella on the runway.

"OMC, the Bahamas kicked serious ASS!" Jacob shouted.

"Oh, cool, my deodorant says it's little black dress approved," Edward noted.

"Urgh, I was home all alone for the whole frickin' week reading _Wuthering Heights_," Bella whined, stopping her foot, except she stepped in someone's gum, "Man, why was Catherine such a bitch?"

All of the Cullens plus Jacob exchanged glances and coughed.

Carlisle: Uhhhh, right, now who wants to stop at the Subway over there?

Alice jumped up, "Hell yeah, I'm gonna get a five dollar foot long!"

Jacob: You can have THIS five dollar foot long, if you want…

Everyone: Dude, no.

They all begin to walk away, but a spaceship beams them all up first, Bella was sucking blood through a straw.

Jacob: OMC, what the hell are you doing?

Bella: Drinkin' blood, bitch, whatsit to you?

Jacob: Uh, why?

Bella: It makes me feel kick-ass, you ought to try it.

Edward: Cool! This UFO is like space camp all over again!

Alice: This is the SHIT! It's like E.T. except this isn't crappy '80s special effects!

They all begin to explore the mysterious spaceship.

Jacob: OMC, they have a vibrating room!

Alice: Dude, no…

Bella: They have a suicide room with a cliff to jump off of…

Everyone: No one's stopping you, Bella…

Jasper simply disappeared. No one could find him anywhere. All together, they opened the door to a room no one looked in before and all fell in like morons.

Bella: AHhhh, it's a lion pit!

And seeing as Bella is the only human there, she kind of, sort of died.

And that is how Bella Swann became lion food.

Lauren: Hey, who wants go to and sleep with every guy in Forks with me?

Jacob raises his hand.

Lauren: Besides you?

No one.

Lauren: Naw, that's okay. They all have bad taste in girls anyway if they'd consider Bella… whoa what happened to her?

Alice: Uhhhhhh, (trying to lie quickly) she was making gang signs at those lions and they got pissed.

Lauren: OMC, Bella was in a gang? That's fuckin BADASS!

Alice: Dude no, it was a lame-ass gang that thinks motorcycling is dangerous.

Lauren: Wow, that is pretty lame.

They all went back to Forks to explain to Charlie why Bella was dead.

Esme: I'm so sorry for your loss.

Charlie: Really? You know, Bella was a test-tube baby.

Carlisle: Oh, isn't that interesting, well, have a nice day.

In the Forks Cemetery there is a tombstone that reads: ISABELLA SWANN, DIED IN A GANG FIGHT. REST IN PIECES (LITERALLY, THE LIONS TORE A COUPLE LIMBS OFF.)

Alice: Dude, this is some good shit.

Alice, Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, Jacob, Edward, Lauren, Mike Newton, and Dumbledore all sit around her grave passing around a bong.

Edward: I think it's how she would have wanted to go…

"And I also think this is how she would have wanted us to mourn her," Jacob said, taking a hit on their small stash of weed.

Alice: Yeah, probably… DUDE, is there, like, spaghetti in the sky?

Jacob: Yeah, sometimes I think that too. Especially when I'm high… that's funny.

Jasper: Do you think those red and blue flashing lights mean something bad?

A cop car comes racing down the street, sirens on, and stops at the cemetery gates.

Everyone else: Nawww…

Charlie gets out of the cop car and glares at them, "Okay, now who did you buy that from? I thought I was the only dealer in Forks!"

Jacob: Yeah, in FORKS. I bought this weed in La Push, dude.

Charlie: Fine, that's a relief. I might have had to shoot somebody in that case.

Rosalie: You wanna join us, how much weed you got on you?

Charlie: Funny you should mention that, I have this baggie right here….

And they all sat around Bella's grave getting totally baked on cheap-ass weed.

_End Chapter_

**Serena- Written in five minutes by a totally badass girl, don't mess.**

**Please review, flames accepted.**

**But anyone who thought this was funny is totally messed up. But that's okay, because even my issues have issues, so I'm pretty messed up too.**


End file.
